In My Eyes
by firenine
Summary: Heero goes on a mission, returns but an eerie loneliness encases him and Relena ends up being pushed away. Something happened on that mission, and it's greatly affecting their relationship.
1. Prologue

In My Mind

  


A.N. I'm baaaaaaack... muahaha!! Alritey then, I decided to write something new since my other fics were flops! 

  


Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Gundam Wing and nor am I abusing a copyright. I am simply borrowing them, and not even all the characters!! So, without further ado, please don't sue an already broke person. Enjoy!

  


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November Night:   
  


She looked into the mirror, the light gleaming streaks of pale moonlight into her dimly lit bedroom. Wiping away the last traces of makeup, that same sentence kept running through her head, bringing fresh tears to the surface.

  
  


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Flashback

  
  


Sitting down, she folded her hands neatly into her lap and waited for him to speak. Hearing her beating heart in her ears, she willed it to calm or send her into cardiac arrest because something wasn't right.

  
  


He took her hands into his and spoke gently, praying she would somehow forgive him.

  
  


"I'm sorry I've failed you so many times. I know I always promise to come back, and there are just times where I can't bring myself to it. I always think that if I don't return to you, that means I've failed you and failed myself. None of this is your fault. I just think we need some time, some space for ourselves. I need to know if I'm good enough for you," he trailed, noting the start of tears in her eyes.

  
  


Looking at the ground, she let the words absorb and snapped her head towards him, anger glinting in her eyes.

  
  


"I don't understand you. How can you think that you're not good enough for me? You're everything I want. Am I not good enough for you? I, I just can't even look at you right now. You're the last person I expect to say something like that to me. Leave. Just go," she whispered harshly, letting her head drop to her hands. 

  
  


The sadness in his eyes couldn't be seen. No, not in this dark of night. 

  
  


'I love you Relena. Please don't shut me out,' he thought as he turned to do her bidding.

  
  


Tightening his jacket around him, he took off running, not minding the stinging wind bite at his exposed skin. Leaping, he jumped over the front gates and ran where his legs would take him. He knew in his heart that this was the right thing to do, otherwise they would just be living a lie. He knew he loved her dearly, but on what grounds? He had no reason to call her his. He needed to learn why he had come accustomed to her, why his heart felt like exploding from his chest every time he was near her.

  
  


End flashback

  
  


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She never did look back, seeing his running form leave. She only could cry softly into her hands, wondering what on earth possessed him to say such things. He was different. Something had changed, she knew it wasn't herself. She knew that Heero changed, somehow, he just seemed different. Coming home after five months of being away, he became distant, like he forgot how to act around her. Something earth-shattering had been dropped on her, and she had felt inadequate as the cold night encased her in its darkness.

  
  


Opening her eyes, she stared forwards, realizing how tired she was and how she had fallen asleep at her desk. Wiping away the tears, she moved towards her soft bed, praying for sweet release from the pain.

  
  


Somewhere else, a tall figure paced back and forth in its room. Hands jammed into the pockets, Heero let his head hang while pacing, and thinking if what he said was a mistake. He hoped it wasn't, but he needed to know why he was still with her. Those five months opened his eyes, and not being able to remember three of those five months puzzled him more and more each day. It was as though he lost a part of his life not knowing who he was, suffering amnesia and then regaining what he lost, in a flash. Something had been done to him, but he couldn't explain it.

  
  


Frustrated, he punched the wall and sat himself on the bed, letting his racing heart calm. There were so many times when he had this strange urge to pick her up and ravish her, but he knew it was wrong. If he could never bring himself to say those words, he wasn't worthy of her love.   
  
Here sat the Perfect Soldier, a man who could wipe out armies, anything, but he was really a tin doll, unable to show emotions, and about to lose the most important person in his life. In his heart, he could say 'I love you' a million times, but it always failed to pass his lips. He knew she was disappointed that he had never said it, even in the three years they remained with each other. Staring into darkness, he let deep blue eyes focus on everything, not quite looking at anything, yet still being able to see it all. Heavily lidded, his breath came heavier, and he soon felt his eyelids droop until they closed and he succumbed to sleep.

  
  


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A.N. So... how was it? Was it boring? HEY!!! I'm getting there alright??? I promise it will get better. And hey, I think I've given up on lemons. I'm just NOT cut out for that kind of stuff. Anyways, please review and have a wonderful day/night/afternoon/WHATEVER!


	2. An Empty Void

chapter 2 

In My Mind - An Empty Void

  
  


disclaimer: I don't own anything from Gundam Wing or its creators. I am simply borrowing their characters to produce what I hope to be, a good fanfic. Please don't sue me!!!

  
  


A.N. - so, how did you like the prologue? Iffy? The story will reveal itself the more you read. But trust me, it won't take forever to complete. I promised myself that this would be one of my rare completed fics.

  
  


~ ~ ~ ~

  
  


She felt someone following her. In the shadows of clear daylight, she could feel eyes boring into her pale skin, and she could imagine them, sneering at this 'spoiled Princess'. Disgusted, she let out a light snort and kept walking, imagining eyes in the back of her head were keeping her safe.

  
  


Day suddenly turned to night and it became harshly cold. Breaking out of her walk, she started into a light jog and that burning sensation still remained in the back of her mind as she ran. Keeping on path, she ran for what seemed like days, turned out to be mere seconds as she realized that this was a dream.

  
  


Relena sat up in bed, a sheer blanket of perspiration stood out on her face and neck. Breathing heavily, she shook her head and got out of bed to get something to drink. Passing a digital clock, its bright red numbers glared an angry 'three AM'. Groaning softly, she let bare feet navigate from carpet to cold tile and move towards the fridge. 

  
  


'I need something... milk. That should be good,' she thought as she pulled out the carton of milk.

  
  


Normally she wouldn't consume such a drink at this hour, but water didn't seem to cut it for her at this moment. She still has this lingering feeling from that weird dream. Something was holding her back, but from what? 

  
  


Soon afterwards, she finished her drink and proceeded to the washroom to rinse her mouth our before going back to bed. Looking into the bathroom mirror, she saw how three days of insomnia wore away at her usually delicate features. Dark circles were clearly definite beneath her otherwise sparkling aqua eyes, and she hadn't smiled in days. To top that, she had been experiencing awful migraines, where sometimes the pain made her wish she had taken Heero's offer of shooting her those many years ago.

  
  


Shutting the light off, she dragged tired feet to her bed and let sleep take over once more.

  
  


Elsewhere

  
  


Heero tossed restlessly. He had always been a light sleeper, but this was ridiculous. He could hear a conversation between two lovers, he supposed. But they were on the sidewalk, whispering harsh words to each other, and here he was lying in bed on the twenty-fifth floor of the apartment building. 

  
  


He knew it was the couple outside that were talking because he had pulled himself out of bed at an ungodly hour to see what the ruckus was. Drawing back the curtains, harsh moonlight met his eyes and he looked down to see wile gesturing hands and even a slap from the girl. 

  
  


Softly growling, he walked back to his now cold bed and sat upon the sheets and comforter with his head in his hands. He had seen her last night. How much she cried, how he ached to be with her. Wishing he hadn't made things so complicated, he turned from her window and ran. This wasn't right. The empty void where his beating heart used to be, that gaping hole in his being where he felt he shared a soul with her. He lost her and every part of him with it.

  
  


~ ~ ~ ~

  
  


She was dreaming again. Somewhere, this place was familiar.

  
  


'I know this place. I've been here before, but why can't I remember?' she thought to herself.

  
  


Then it came to her, so amazingly fast that she had to squeeze her eyes shut. The memories of a time so long ago, it was almost alien to her. This was the same shuttle bay where Heero left Peacemillion and her with it. She remembered the space suits and the anticipation she felt when she thought he would allow her to go with him. But he did something even better. Heero let her know that he truly cared for her, and although he didn't speak it, his eyes said it loud and clear.

  
  


Tears began to form in her reverie and even in reality. As she lay there in her bed dreaming, tears began to form in the corners of her eyes. Flashes of light began resonating all around her and she knew that her dream had put itself into fast-forward. Closing her eyes, she heard voices and saw bright lights despite her shut eyes. Voices, fragments of conversations from the past.

  
  


"Omae o korosu..."

  
  


"Next time give it to me in person..."

  
  


Memories, voices flooded her senses, mind nearing overload, going faster, fast-forward from the past until she felt nauseous. 

  
  


And then it was like someone hit the play button on the remote control. 

  
  


"Heero, be careful. I, I need you to come back to me..." 

  
  


Taking her trembling hands between his, he moved forwards until their noses were millimeters apart and spoke:

  
  


"I will always come back to you. No matter where I am, no matter how far, I'll always find my way back to you. Relena, you're my north star. I will always turn to you to find my way back," he said, as she began to weep softly. 

  
  


Pulling her into his arms, he rocked her back and forth, hoping to soothe her tears and the throbbing ache that would soon befall her.

  
  


She sniffled and wiped her eyes as he slowly let her go. Voice no louder than a whisper, he left her with the only remaining words she could remember him say, the only important phrase he ever got close to.

  
  


"I care about you, and always will,"

  
  


Relena clasped a hand tightly over her mouth, praying to muffle out her sobs as the shuttle took off. Hair whipping about her, she sank to the ground and cried. He was so close to saying it, yet in some ways, he was so far from loving her.

  
  


The dream ended, leaving her breathless and teary. Gasping, she sat up in bed once again, but this time, she clutched her bent knees and just sat there in her bed, rocking back and forth, occasionally wiping tears from her face. Looking upwards, she closed her eyes and prayed, her last hope of getting him back.

  
  


~ ~ ~ ~

  
  


A.N. - ::hides:: how was this chapter??? I aimed for sap, but I could have overdone it... Oh well. Please review and let me know if this story is worth keeping up. Isn't Heero just such a sweetie in this fic? Man, I'd kill for a guy to tell me that. Haha, anyways, isn't it odd how at 2AM you're more alert and hyper than ever? Still, please be kind and review. Thanks! ^_^


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